Dove Chocolates Ruined My Life


I ate a Dove chocolate last week. The wrapper told me to, “Stay up until the sun rises.” I took their advice. I stayed up all night. My wife told me I was insane. My kids were jealous. It wasn’t easy. I watched an entire Becker marathon just to keep my eyes open. Ted Danson is so dreamy. I went outside to see the sunrise. But, it was cloudy. There was no sun. I went back inside and got ready for work. That’s when I realized that I had been awake for twenty-four straight hours. I was exhausted. 

silhouette photography of person near sea
Photo by Daria Obymaha on

I dozed off on the way to work and crashed into an old dairy barn, killing three prized dairy cows and completely destroying my car. Very disoriented and sore, I asked the farmer for a ride home. He refused and told me that I would “pay big time” for killing his cows. At this point I was bleeding pretty bad, so again I begged for a ride. He gave me a children’s bicycle and wished me well, only after he had confiscated my wallet, writing down my personal information for a future lawsuit. The bike was too small for my body and the tires were slightly under inflated. I peddled down the road at a snail’s pace, feeling weak from the loss of blood and smelling of sour milk. A group of young hooligans drove by yelling insults. One kid, the leader, threw a bag of dog feces at me. It landed in my wounds and burned my flesh. They turned on a Taking Back Sunday song and sped away. 


cows on farm against sky
Photo by Matthias Zomer on

I was able to make it about another hundred feet before I fell into a drainage ditch. I crawled into a opossum’s nest and curled up next to a passel of young joeys. They immediately began licking the milk off of my body. It was actually quite soothing. All of a sudden I heard a hissing sound. I opened my eyes to find an angry female opossum staring at me and hissing with rage. She attacked me, going straight for my face. Unable to fend off the opossum, I took the attack without a fight. She destroyed me, leaving my face disfigured and ugly. My fear of being attacked by a opossum had actually come true. As I sat there in the fetal position crying, I realized that I might just die there. That’s when I realized that my cell phone was in my back pocket. I turned it on to find that it was low on battery and that my wife had sent me a text stating here intentions of a divorce. I decided my best course of action was to email my close friends of my experience. This is that email. And this is my story. Please share this with my kids and the people of Dove chocolates. 

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