Larry David Ate My Cinnamon Rolls

(This story is true, but also not true. Kind of like Fargo, seasons #1, #2, and #3)

INT: DAVE (New York/Boston accent) and JAMES (Midwestern accent) are having a conversation at the bar. Both are drinking glasses of beer.

DAVE: Did I ever tell you of the time I bought a bag of cinnamon rolls in the New York City train station?

JAMES: (smirks) Cinnamon rolls? What the hell are you talking about?

DAVE: A few years ago I went to the New York train station to catch a train back to Boston. I got there about an hour too early so I had to sit in the food court area and wait. This train station had a cinnamon roll vendor who sold the best cinnamon rolls in the world. Like seriously man, the best damn cinnamon rolls you’ll ever have. They came in a bag of six and they were warmed up so the icing was almost melting off the roll. Delicious shit my friend. Delicious.

JAMES: Not a big cinnamon roll fan myself, but go on.

DAVE: Well, I bought a bag of cinnamon rolls and a newspaper and sat down at a communal table. The cafeteria was full of people waiting on the train, so I had to sit with another man at the table which was kind of uncomfortable, but hell, it’s New York City right? Anyways I sat down, put my bag of cinnamon rolls on the table and started reading the sports section of the newspaper. After a few minutes I opened the bag but the rolls were still too warm so I left them alone to cool off and continued reading the paper. Eventually I got impatient and decided to eat a cinnamon roll. Well, as I reach into the bag, the guy at the table gives me this real creepy stare, almost like he was shocked that I was eating the cinnamon rolls or some shit.

JAMES: (smirking) What the hell? What do you mean?

DAVE: He kinda looked at me like, “what the hell do you think you’re doing?” So I just looked back at him with this confused gaze. We stared at each other for a few seconds and it was extremely uncomfortable. And then I realized the guy I was having a staring contest with was Larry David. 

JAMES: From Curb Your Enthusiasm?

DAVE: Yes! Larry-fucking-David from Curb Your Enthusiasm. But, I thought, I’m not going to let Larry David freak me out, so I just continued eating and reading the paper. Well, get this shit, a few minutes later Larry reaches over and grabs a cinnamon roll out of my bag and starts eating one of the rolls.

JAMES: No way dude.

DAVE: I’m serious, Larry David just reached over, as if it wasn’t a big deal at all, and ate one of my cinnamon rolls. So, I’m sitting there in complete shock. I give him a long stare as if to say, “are you kidding me?” And this bastard just stares right back at me with the same look and just keeps chewing. At this point, I’m starting to get confused. I mean, what the hell is Larry David’s problem? Is he having a mental breakdown? Is he testing me? Shit, is this guy just an asshole? What kind of man would just eat from another man’s cinnamon roll bag as if it wasn’t a problem? Larry showed no shame.

Image result for Larry David

JAMES: Wow man, you can’t make this shit up.

DAVE: Wait dude, it gets crazier. So I let it go and just try and maintain my composure. I’m thinking, maybe he really needs that cinnamon roll more than I do. Whatever. Well, a few minutes go by and I reach back into the bag and grab another roll, and wouldn’t you know it, Larry gives me another death stare. Again, I lean back and give it right back to him. It’s really getting awkward at this point. I’m chewing slowly just to be a dick now. He looks really offended. I go on and continue reading the sports section and he leans over and takes another cinnamon roll. Now I’ve just given up. I just let him do it. This charade continues until the bag is empty. We never speak a word to one another. We just stare. Eventually, Larry’s train is called and he leaves the table. I’m left sitting there completely stunned, but like I said before, it’s New York City and crazy things like that sometimes happen.

JAMES: Let me guess, you end up seeing Larry David again later that day don’t you?

DAVE: No man, even worse. Get this. About fifteen minutes later my train is called and I get up and start collecting my things. I start folding up my newspaper and guess what I find underneath it?

JAMES: No way dude…

DAVE: Yeah. Underneath my newspaper sits MY bag of cinnamon rolls. I had never even eaten them. So this whole damn time I was sitting there eating Larry David’s cinnamon rolls, out of his bag. He was giving me death stares because I was the asshole, not him.

JAMES: (laughing) Dave, you cannot make something like that up. That is crazy.

DAVE: Yeah, so somewhere out there in the world Larry David thinks I’m some jackass who ate half a bag of his cinnamon rolls. I watched Curb Your Enthusiasm for weeks, praying he wouldn’t write an episode about me. I was terrified and utterly embarrassed. Attention to detail James. Always pay attention to the details or you’ll have a cinnamon roll story like me.


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