Fly on the Wall: An Autobiography

I am the Fly on the Wall. I was hatched from a batch of 500 eggs on July 12th, 2018. I currently live in Ohio inside a three bedroom ranch house with four wonderful human beings. My human parents named me, Fly on the Wall, which I think is English for, “tiny insect.” I spend most of my days seeking warm temperatures, throwing up enzymes onto food and avoiding contact with the house cat. Although my human parents usually neglect my existence, I do believe they love me, for they leave an abundant amount of decaying matter on the counter tops for me to land on. I have a tremendous fear of shoes, rolled up newspapers and a plastic item humans call, “the goddamn fly swatter.”

I used to be ultra religious, but after witnessing the death of over one hundred of my brothers and sisters in the famous “Frog Massacre,” I guess you could say I’m more of an agnostic now. I do enjoy good cinema and music. My favorite actor is Jeff Goldblum. How he didn’t win an Oscar for The Fly is beyond me. My all-time favorite song is “Got You Where I Want You” by The Flys.  I’ve traveled to many places in my lifetime, including places like the garage, the back yard and even the crawl space. One day I hope to travel to the horse stable, for I hear the food there is delightful. Although I don’t yet have any children of my own, I hope to one day have a small family of at least three or four hundred kids. I also intend on living a very long life. If I could make it to March, I would be very grateful.

– Fly on the Wall

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