Thomas Jefferson Beat My Ass

Dear Sister,

I can’t really go into detail but lets just say that last night I had to share a bed with Thomas Jefferson. We laid in bed for a few minutes and I became restless, so I started asking him questions.

Me: Did you like John Adams?

Jefferson: No.

Me: Can you play the violin?

Jefferson: Of course.

Me: Did you write the Declaration of Independence?

Jefferson: Most of it.

Me: Did you like being the President?

Jefferson: Not really.

Me: Did you really invent Macaroni & Cheese?

Jefferson: You’re damn right I did.

Me: Did you really soak your feet in cold water every morning?

Jefferson: Yes I did.

Me: Do you enjoy Astronomy?

Jefferson: Yes.

Me: Did you really have an affair with your slave, Sally Hemings?

Jefferson: Please shut up.

Me: Seriously. Did you have an affair with her?

Jefferson: Quiet boy, I’m serious.

Me: I’m just asking because you hated the idea of interracial marriages.

Jefferson: That’s your last warning.

Me: Don’t you think that’s pretty hypocritical of you? 

It was after this question that Jefferson got out of bed, grabbed a poker stick from the fire place and proceeded to beat the living shit out of me. I’m currently in the hospital and no one will believe me. Will you please call our lawyer? They’re releasing me tomorrow and have threatened to send me to an insane asylum. Please come visit. I need your help. Thomas Jefferson has really put me in a bind. 

Sincerely, 

Your Brother

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