I Need to Confess Something

I need to confess something. I hate to admit it, but it’s been eating me up for years now. Well, about ten years ago when I was single and lived by myself I did something very shameful. You see, my gas went out in my house and the temperature outside was well below freezing. My house started to get real cold and I started to freak out that I was going to die. My furnace was out. My oven didn’t work. And I couldn’t even get hot water. I didn’t know what to do, so I went to the kitchen and plugged in my toaster. It was electric so I knew I could use it in this trying time. I put a piece of bread into the slot and turned it on. I placed my hands over the top and rubbed my hands together. It was working. I was getting warmer. Suddenly, the bread popped up and the heat went out. I got cold quickly and panicked. I placed another piece of bread into the slot and began eating the toasted piece. Chewing that toast over a heated toaster made me so warm and I didn’t want it to end. So, I kept putting a new piece of bread into the toaster every couple of minutes. I stayed in the kitchen all night, hovered over the toaster, placing an assortment of foods into the slot. I was able to survive that night thanks to that little toaster. However, I also consumed the following foods:

  1. A loaf of whole grain wheat bread
  2. A loaf of white bread
  3. A jumbo box of strawberry PopTarts
  4. A box of blueberry waffles
  5. A box of chocolate waffles
  6. Three toaster strudels
  7. Twelve hash browns

I ended up gaining several pounds and had to miss three days of work because of extremely painful constipation. I haven’t told this story before and it’s extremely embarrassing, but it feels great to get this off my chest.

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