“Take shelter now goddammit,” yelled the principle as he ran by the classroom door. I slammed the door shut and funneled the first graders into the corner of the room. Of course, on my first day as a substitute teacher, there would be a tornado warning. I had a degree in high school education, so dealing with elementary students was already difficult enough, but now throw in a tornado, and it was a completely different animal. The kids were all crying. I’m talking hysterical weeping kind of shit. One little boy cried so intensely he pissed his pants and passed out. One little girl cried with so much force that she vomited her peanut butter sandwich all over the carpet. This chubby little boy, Johnny, started throwing scissors at the window and yelling, “It’s Morphin time!” And I’m pretty sure one kid’s head spun around like the girl in The Exorcist.
I spent the next few minutes trying to collect all the scissors and to control the chaos. Suddenly, the rain stopped and the room went silent. We peered out the windows to discover that the trees were completely still and the sky had turned an eerie green tint. The lights in the classroom started to flicker ever so slightly and we could still hear the tornado sirens blaring in the distance. A sense of confusion and uneasiness engulfed the room. “It’s okay kids, I think it might be over,” I stated, as I began to clean up the vomit off of the floor. All of a sudden, a bolt of lightening lit up the room and a crack of thunder rattled the foundation. The wind picked up and birds started flying into the windows, attempting to flee their impending doom. Johnny grabbed a pair of scissors from the basket and hurled it toward the window, striking the desktop computer and starting an electrical fire.
I ran over to the fire and attempted to put it out with a bean bag chair. As I was beating the hell out of the fire, I suddenly felt a sharp pain in the back of my left shoulder. I peered over to find a pair of scissors sticking out of my flesh. I looked over at Johnny and yelled, “Stop throwing the goddamn scissors!” He immediately started crying and called me a “mean teacher.” I eventually knocked out the computer fire but quickly realized the bean bag chair was on fire. By this time, the room had turned almost completely black and I could barley see the students. However, I could hear the distinct sounds of vomiting, crying and I think a kid was screaming the Holy Rosary. I told the kids to sit still and I ran out the door and headed to the parking lot to throw the chair into the rain. I ran into the parking lot and went to throw the chair but a massive gust of wind blew it right back on top of me and set my clothes on fire. I freaked out and started undressing.
As I was running around the school parking lot, trying to undress, I looked into the horizon to see a tornado was approaching. I started to run back towards the school, but I tripped over my pant leg and fell to the pavement. At this point I was basically naked, except for my shoes and the pants around my ankles. My thick arm hair was ablaze and I began screaming at a very high pitch. I looked up to find a group of high schoolers peering out the windows, recording everything on their phones. I was so embarrassed and I tried desperately to sit up so I could at least pull up my pants. By this point the tornado had reached the school and sucked me into it’s vortex. I spent the next few minutes twirling around, at least fifty feet in the air, trying my best to protect my nude body from the flying debris. I was eventually thrown into a field of chicken manure and passed out. I was later found by a news crew, who woke me up and interviewed me while I was completely naked, charred head to toe and covered in chicken shit.